I quit. Ok, I don't quit. But I'm going to quit.

Ha. Welcome to my little emotional world. It's hard being married and living with parents at the same time. Add to that trying to get a college degree and it can almost push you over the edge.

Well, actually another added ingredient can attribute... the government. Let's just say a couple things about this, shall we? First of all, we live on disability. I had to close a retirement account last year just to help pay some bills. I had a work study of which I earned $1200. My adjusted gross income was $6000. Ryan got $8000 in disability pay.

And yet FAFSA thinks that we can afford to pay $4600 of my tuition. To put this into a little more context... let me tell you another little story. When I first applied at FAFSA 2 years ago I had to include my wages of being a school bus driver, which amounted to about $14,000. And yet I got full grants without any battles and my EFC (estimated family contribution) was $0.

Add up $6000 and $8000, what do you get? Oh! $14,000. And yet now they think we can shell out 35% of our income? (2 years ago we didn't have the disability benefits.) I just can't believe that they say at $14,000 for two people that I do not qualify for the Pell Grant.

I do not know what the full story is here... but I've got to say... just because we receive disability *snort* benefits, that seems to be the governments way of saying "That was gift money. And now we want half of it back if you want to go to school and better yourself, please."

Please. How does one person, let alone two, live on $8000 per year? I don't know what poor Ryan would do if he didn't have me. I feel sad for the disabled people out there who don't have the fortune of families.

I just don't know. I could go on and on about all this, but frankly I'm not in the mood. I could make mention about how I know a guy who was in the Army for 3 years and now receives $2000 a month in benefits. And I could tell you about how he has the biggest, baddest home theater system, computers and motorcycles galore and the government doesn't bug him about the money they give him.

I also know the world is not fair. Doesn't really make it easier to live with a short stick though.

Oh and the college thing... I really might quit if I really can't get financial aid. We'll find out on Friday I suppose. I have to wait for the FAFSA application to process first, then I'll go to my future college's advising office and pray that I can be helped by someone who really knows their stuff.

And if can get the financial aid that I really am deserving to receive I'll just hang in there and tough it out. For another two years.
Earlier today though I was fed up and wanted to just quit everything for good regardless of the outcome of financial aid.

We shall see. I really hope I do get a competent financial aid officer that can help me.

ETA:
But I just had to add one more thing...

Last year when I had to "fight" for my financial aid because last year FAFSA thought that I could afford $3800 out of my pocket for tuition... The financial aid advisor told me about a person she helped earlier that day who has all these benefits from fighting in Iraq - $80,000 to be exact.

And yet that person didn't have to pay a dime and got full grants. *sigh*

In it to attempt to win it

Well, frankly... you can't win the dang fangled lottery unless you actually play.

So I need to try at least a little bit, huh? I had a dream once that my mom won it and she showed me the ticket but I could only make out the first few numbers. DARN IT. I totally want one of those dreams where the numbers, all of them, come to you in a dream and even if it takes years, you actually win!

La la la.

My dad once got 5 out of 6 numbers. Stupid thing is you only get, like, $500 for that. Come on. You would at least expect $5000 or something, sheesh.

Février heureux

Hmmm, I just took some prenatal vitamins along with an extra dose of biotin (because it didn't have any biotin in the first place, oddly enough) and I'm feeling pretty good right now. I know B-vitamins are good for regulating stress and mood sometimes. Sweet. :-) Let's keep on feeling goood.

(oh and I'm not pregnant nor do I plan to be. I'm taking these vitamins for my hair health and my PCOS doesn't hate it either.)

School... school... school. Do I have anything to say about school? Not really. Except that I am really getting good and sick of homework. And I still have at least 2 more years to go. *sigh*

I have lots to do regarding school. Big to-do list. Gotta do taxes so I can fill out FAFSA. Gotta try and make some appointments with various advisors at new school so I can figure out which end is up. Hopefully the good end.

I am sorry for this being so boring, but it is what it is right now.
French is driving me up the wall. History is a bit better because I think I've finally got a grasp for how my prof teaches, thinks and lectures. My French teacher is wonderful though, she's so cool.
Then geography... I'm kinda annoyed because I want to be more into landforms and GIS things, but my 4 year university is making it mandatory for me to take this human geography and world regional geography. I don't mind it really, but it feels like I'm learning about plumbing when I want to be an auto mechanic.

Accepted

I found out yesterday that I was accepted into the 4 year university to which I applied. Thank goodness my $50 fee didn't go to waste then.

But yay for that. I'm glad. I'm on this road that I've picked out for myself in 2006 and it's nice that things are moving along.

My husband has epilepsy and after being fired from many jobs, we finally had to apply for disability for him. We moved in with my parents while we waited for the social security system to approve him after being denied at first. The wait was 2.5 years. During which time I was a school bus driver. When summer break came about in 2006, we faced a decision. We were considering, now that he has disability, our options for moving out.

However, I got a wild hair up my butt and for some odd reason decided to continue torturing myself with college education.

After high school, I was so fed up with school and people I didn't want to even think about college. Plus I didn't know what I wanted to study. So I went to beauty school, where I also learned that I hate the people interaction that comes with it, and I especially hated coming home with peoples hair all over me.

So I went to the community college. Again, I had no idea what I was doing, I just randomly picked some classes. Then I decided to get into TV and Film Production. Which would only be an applied Associate's degree. Well, that was going pretty good... until my advisor messed me up big time. I sat down with him just before the fall semester and told him "I want to graduate next spring." This was in theory very do-able. After all, what is an Associate's degree... 2 years. By the time I wanted to graduate I would have been in college for 2 years.

He screwed me over, big time. He didn't put me in an editing class that is only offered in the fall, and I found this out in the spring. How stupid is that? So I was going to have to go to college for another year (Editing I - Fall. Editing II - Spring) which pissed me off to no end. I quit.

Life happened in between there... and in 2006 I decided to give it another try. It's a personal thing now, I really want a college degree. But also, since I have to make the money in this marriage right now, I need a good job as well. (yeah yeah, enter many varying opinions about just how necessary or unnecessary a college degree is anymore.)

I went back again not knowing what I wanted to do. I started off in psychology just because I had no idea of anything else. I switched to mathematics, but then when talking to my astronomy professor, I think he got me pointed in a nice direction. He told me about geography and how it's a vast science field with many options to get into.

There we go. That's what I'm doing. I think, if nothing else, that geography will be a degree I can at least tolerate studying.
I am back in the community college simply because the tuition is cheaper. But now I'm going to graduate (finally) with an Associate's Degree this May. And then I have to move on to a 4 year university as a junior.

Sidenote: It is ridiculous how hard it is to actually get out of college in 2 or 4 years. It always seems to take at least one extra year. I know part of that is because of some terrible advisors who have their heads up their butts. *eyeroll*

Memory time

A little over a year ago I was in geology class. I've taken both physical and historical geology.

I was running a little late to class due to a computer glitch from my previous computer class. So I walk in about 4 minutes late, people are already there and my instructor is talking at the front of the room. The door to this room happens to line up with the front of the room.

So my professor is already talking about whatever subject and he looks at me at the same time just as people tend to do when the door opens. The sentence he was uttering at that very moment was "Now for idiot number two..."
I kid you not.

I said "I'm idiot number two?"
LOL!

Turns out he was talking about something humorous, I can't quite remember now, perhaps it might have to do with the Darwin awards. He loves humor and I know he was reading something humorous to the class when I entered.

The timing was priceless!

Confession time

You ready? Here we go. I am actually a cosmetologist. Well, ok... I went to beauty school a little over 10 years ago. I did become licensed and worked in the field. But I hated it. And the school was a rip off. All I learned how to do well is old ladies perms and styles.

The Real Confession: I messed up my hair last week. I put in a semi-permanent dye... a reddish color. It grabbed onto the front of my hair like a drowning man. And I hate it. I bounce from my natural blonde hair to red blonde... but I am in no mood to be a redhead right now.

Ever since then I've been trying and trying to correct this problem and my hair has only gotten redder, and brassier, in the process. I do have an idea of what I'm doing, and possibly doing wrong... but still. My hair is ridiculous! I've been wearing a baseball cap for one whole week now.

And I just feel so frustrated with the color of my hair. It's just awful. I'm going to make a stop at a professional beauty supply store after school. My last class lets out at 7:15 pm. I cannot wait. I'm so antsy. I don't mean to be so vain, but ... well ... hair is a self esteem issue.

My plan of attack is to get some demi-permanent hair color. I need a green toner and violet toner. Let's hope this works. My hair is just a mess. Better pick up some reconstructive conditioner while I'm at it. I'm sorry... but *sob*. I just want to look decent and normal again.

And while I'm at it, I'm going to confess another shallow thing. I'm also looking for a good facial tool. You know, those kinds that sort of do microdermabrasion? But I have sensitive skin so I have to find a really good gentle one, however one that doesn't cost an arm and a leg.

I must sound so shallow. But this is a self esteem issue as well. I do want to look the best I can. I have thinning hair thanks to hormonal imbalance, and I have a lot of weight I need to lose.
By the way, Ryan looks so young, he could easily pass for 16-18 yet he'll be 28 next month, AND because of our relationship demeanor (I'll explain in a minute), I have been mistaken for his mother 6 times. No lie. I'm only 2.78 years older! This has been a little hard to swallow when I already suffer from such a low self esteem.

The relationship demeanor is because I'm his caretaker. Because of his epilepsy and TBI, occasionally I have to be the "translator" for him. I'm not a super, overbearing, take-charge kind of person, but I have that "caretaker" vibe where I will speak out for and protect my loved ones. Mama Bear Syndrome.

February

You know, February is turning out to be one of my favorite months. Some of the reasons are because I've had some good experiences in February.

I could have gotten married on February 29, 4 years ago. But I chose to elope on March 6 because my first marriage was on a 29 date so I didn't want to repeat it. (silly, but that's me!)

My husband's birthday is February 13. I don't mean to sound so sickly sappy, but really, I rejoice in that day that my hubby was brought into this world. (most of the time. LOL) Then there's V-day which I'm not super hot about, but yet I still love my husband enough that it makes me happy to think about our relationship.

After those two holidays are over, then I get to look forward to two special anniversaries. The day I met my husband on March 2, and then our marriage date of March 6.
Then later in March spring break will be upon me, where I'm sure I'll have tons of homework anyway, so what's the point? Nonetheless, my hubby and I had our honeymoon during spring break time because at the time I was a school bus driver.

Wow. If you knew me in real life you would know I'm not really so darn sappy about love like this! But it's just that I treasure my relationship after being in an emotionally abusive marriage. Ryan is the exact opposite of my a-hole ex husband. And I'm so grateful to know him and have him in my life.

Nothing to see here

Well, yeah. Sadly, I don't have a lot to say right now. Just plodding through this thing called life.

We had a sick gerbil... just took him back to the vet to get a skin tumor taken off today. So far he's doing fine, the poor sweet thing. He keeps running in his wheel. I want him to eat, drink and get some sleep now. He had a big day.

I almost ran into an old friend. Almost? Yes. I managed to back out of the aisle at the store before she saw me. It's raised a lot of questions as to why I did this... So I'm introspecting a lot about it right now.

I will drop the ballroom dancing class. Now I only have school 3 days a week, yay! That will be helpful since I'm going to have a heavy homework load. Ugh, history!

Well, I'd better get myself upstairs to watch my gerbil boy. I feel so sad, he and his brother can't get together right now. They are best friends.

It'sa lotta work

Sheesh. I have so many balls up in the air that I'm juggling for college.

I'm trying to figure out if my 4 year university received my official transcripts along with my application and that *choke* fee. And my current college has the status of my transcript listed as "pending. check back later." Thanks, buttmunches. I only requested it about 2 weeks ago, and it was promised to be out in 3 days. Idiots.

So I have to deal with that. The transcripts, the fees, the applications, all ending up in the right place at the right time. Plus I have to put in my application for graduation, which I will do next week.

OH AND!!! I have a final just two days before I graduate. That sucks! The whole week leading up to my graduation is crammed full of tests. Cracker Jacks!

One small piece of good news: I can have my ballroom dancing credit waived. My advisor can put in the paperwork for me to have my "fine arts" credit waived. And I think I'll take it. Hey, it's not often when a college will allow you to squirm out of something because that means they won't get any money.

I kinda enjoyed the ballroom dancing, but just barely. Too many girls in the class, we had to learn the male and female parts, which means we don't really master either part very well... the teacher was hell bent on us switching partners all the time, and the class was too full anyways. Ergo, I'll drop it. Ryan and I will try something like this some other day.

I have a small desk here for my computer. I just switched my mouse from right handed to left handed, to help avoid carpal tunnel problems and other assorted problems. But now I can't get the keyboard in a place to my liking. Grrrrr. Well, in time it should get into a place that I like.
For example... to customize my place for me, so that it's ergonomically correct, I have 3 mousepads under my mouse to help bring my wrist into proper alignment. So that's the kind of stuff I'm noodling around with right now.

Like a cat, I need to fuss with it and turn around umpteen times before I'm happy with my placement.